Life n its Lessons

This has been a long month for me … i guess i am getting stuck in the day to day rat race again…
Leaves me alot less time to ponder around with my thoughts

i was driving back after short visit to a friends engagement … had nothing better to do so picked up an old buddy and ended up at a movie. Post the movie we were just chilling and driving around the city … around 3 am i finally decided to get my ass back home and hit the sack .. the drive back was a pleasure one finger on the steering and a foot on the accelerator … wish everyday was like this …

A strange thought popped into my head ..

i was looking at the priorities i had set in life for myself .. so far everything seemed to be well in control.

Family, Career, Friends, Relationships

Over the years i have done a healthy switch between these area’s when needed and will keep doing so till the end of my time .. its a switch i firmly believe one needs to do in order to keep the show going

However never in my life except a casual relation a year back …have i managed to give a relation the right priority .. either its overrated or completely underrated .. The only case where i could give it a healthy balance was where i had drawn an invisible line to hold back my emotions…

So why is it that in relations we give people priority when you are only an option to them ? and why is it that people give you priority when their are only an option to you ?

Something doesn’t fit here .. i look around at the people i know and its not only me .. But i don’t know anyone who has been able to give it the right balance ..

Maybe its just one of many facets of human nature … Maybe its a mystery i will never have answers to.. Or maybe this is just the way it was meant to be…

Peace
Timber Da Wolf

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake.

Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love”;

I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound “not politically correct”, there’s a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage . When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come.

Let me say it again: “You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone”; You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner :-

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone.

What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful.

You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.

To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!

Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.

Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished”; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always striving to be good and do the right “;. So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a  materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:

(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and

(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they
have gratitude and appreciation?

If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve”; them after they’re married.

As a colleague of mine puts it: “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse” If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

Another perspective. ..

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention… Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you…the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, “Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye”; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and “a life”; you won’t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.

I came across a beautiful email about relations .. Thought I’d put it up

TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity  may result in separation.

A telephone operator told me that one day she received a phone call. She answered, “Public Utilities Board.” There was silence. She repeated, “PUB.” There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she Heard a lady’s voice, “Oh, so this is PUB. Sorry, I got the number from my Husband’s pocket but I do not know whose number it is.”

Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just “hello” instead of “PUB”.

NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, “Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?” The father-in-law answered in a smile, “Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you.”

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested “I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one.” The SDU officer said, “Your requirements, please.” “Oh good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.” The officer listened carefully and replied, “I understand you need television.”

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband, because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another, or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that “It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person’s character.”

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations..

RIGHT SPEECH

There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that “A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation.” Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other, we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted, “Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school.” On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, “Luckily you married me. Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker.” She answered,”You should appreciate that you married me. Other wise, he will be the millionaire
and not you.”
Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It’s like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.